Here are a list of other articles I’ve written both for TCC and for other publications.
I really think they need to start to re-write mother’s day cards. Being a mom sometimes feels more like being at war than a field of roses. Instead of cards covered in flowers and hearts I want a card that talks about the battle scars of being a mother. Scars from being on my knees, crying out to God to help me be a better person so that I won’t hurt my beautiful babies with my short temper, or need for predicability and yet constant change. I’m sometimes a reck and am so human and am broken by the way I try and fail at loving them well.
I hear it over and over again in my work with those questioning their sexual orientation; “I don’t see how my Christian faith can co-exist with being gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, or transgender.”
Finding the right therapist for our distinct personalities and unique circumstances can be tricky. There are those therapy “horror stories” of therapists answering phone calls in the middle of a session simply to chat with the person on the other end and counselors falling asleep in the middle of their patients sharing an emotional story. These instances might sound a bit extreme and to be sure, they are. The majority of people going to therapy won’t have a dramatic experience like these, but maybe something much more subtle. Many people will simply have a vague, undefined, general feeling that “therapy just didn’t work for them”, or that “talking didn’t fix them.” They won’t have concrete examples, or tangible stories to point to in order to realize whether their therapy was successful or not.
And so I sat there covered in their tears as I bawled my eyes out. I was exhausted and felt powerless to do anything besides hold them and tell them I loved them through my own sobs.
I use the word “freak” because often times that’s how people view the “T” in LGBTQ. I’ve seen the look in the faces of some of those whom I’ve come out to — the shock, the distancing. And while they might have found a way to stomach that I could love another woman, they can’t seem to wrap their mind around a person being born with male genitals having never felt like a man, identifying as a woman. And visa versa, a person born with female genitals, feeling much more like a man.Sodom: Who’s sin was it anyways? (part 1)
Obviously as a Lesbian I’ve had many people use this scripture to try and prove that God hates that I happen to be married to a woman, that his heart is to destroy us. But when I read this passage, I find that I’m so much more curious about lots of different parts of the story.
I’ve never been this open about being gay in church…it’s weird to be here…I feel nervous…My heart is pounding just hearing the worship music …I feel dizzy…I’ve never held my partners hand in church before…I cried the entire service…I’m not sure I feel safe enough to worship God as an openly queer person…I feel like I’m going to puke…I’m kind of freaking out inside…I kept expecting someone to yell from the pulpit that I’m going to hell.
I remember it like it was yesterday, the day I realized I had been sexually abused.
Trying to discover who you truly are is never an easy task for anyone. Add to that being a person of faith and finding that you are LGBTQ, many times begins a long, painful process; I know it did for me. There is nothing more inspiring and life-changing than hearing the stories of others and seeing ourselves in them. It was my hope in creating this video that it would do just that, provide unparalleled hope and courage in those watching it.
I’m sure if you’re in the LGBTQ community you can very much identify with my struggle of wanting to be known and authentic with those I love and yet feeling sadness and confusion regarding the many lies told throughout the years.
For the first four or five years of our relationship, my (now) wife and I spent Christmases apart, appearing at our respective family gatherings as singles.
When I look back at my life and try to find clues that would tell me I was gay, it only brings more questions. I had dated guys while growing up and liked men.
Christians know outright hate is wrong, so this statement seems to provide a loophole of sorts. It is a loophole that lets Christians feel as if they are loving those they actually judge. I think that’s one reason this statement makes me angry; it leaves me the gay person hearing this message feeling a lot like the prostitute brought before Jesus.
I hold the church personally responsible for any LGBTQ person who walks away from God and Christianity.
But, even after saying (or writing) this, I have regret over three specific friends that I lost in my coming out process. I regret the way it all went down, the way I acted, and don’t see a way that it will ever be fixed. I get a stomachache writing about it, even now, many years later. Even though “it gets better” the truth is, especially in the beginning, the coming out process is messy.
With these narratives, many young Christians turn to masturbation as a means of encountering their sexuality, but this too is met with shame. The demand to be a “good Christian” means to deny anything sexual until our wedding night. What are we to do with our gender and sexuality as Christians – both as married and single people?
Other articles in this series as follows: https://candiceczubernat.wordpress.com/2014/05/12/sexuality-gender-and-faith-pt-2/, https://candiceczubernat.wordpress.com/2014/05/19/sex-before-marriage/, https://candiceczubernat.wordpress.com/2014/06/02/relationships-sex-series/, https://candiceczubernat.wordpress.com/2014/06/09/sexual-abuse/, https://candiceczubernat.wordpress.com/2014/06/27/not-all-like-that/
I was panic stricken. Panicked. I could feel my heart racing, as the words began forming in my mind, Who the hell would wrap a gift for us in this paper? Was it a joke? I wondered. Was someone trying to hurt us, or prove a point? I didn’t understand. As a woman marrying another woman, this wrapping paper represented the opposite of what we were – heterosexual.
If you’re anything like me, you likely focus on your sin, the “bad” human desires and failings. We question every motive and action because we are taught our hearts are bad, looking to deceive us. Even just writing that reminds me of the years and years; most of my life I heard this message, and I am filled with an ache and energy wanting to scream out, This is not true!
But more than life’s comforts, they’ve given up the ability to share their authentic process of growth, failure, change, and the need for openness to new idea
This season of Lent and Easter always takes me to a place of considering Jesus’ humanity; the thing we have in common, our humanness. It feels easy to focus on the whole Jesus died for my sins and forget that he was human. He surely had morning breath, hunger pains and achy muscles at times.
While the normalness of seeing these videos has worn down the excitement, I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like for me they had those videos… Would I have believed them?
Sometimes the coming out process is a great time to engage that awesomely funny personality of yours and use comedy to communicate your true feelings. When you can engage your fears with lightness, the coming out process can hold less anxiety than previously thought.
How is my sexual orientation going to affect my love, service or ability to serve God by serving children – or yours? I don’t understand. Me being married and trying to help people offends you, and damns starving children to die… and somehow this is my fault?
We so badly want to please and feel close to God by doing what’s right. We fear and have been taught that when we sin, it separates us from God; although I find that I’m not fully convinced of this.
“I acknowledge this woman’s feelings but lets be 100% fair. If there are 9 of 10 couples that are straight then 9 of 10 references should be to dad vs. partner. Let’s not forget the feelings of the biological fathers.”
She wanted to make sure I knew I was being heard, but also for me to understand she was in a difficult place. What I think she meant was, “How do we use ‘gay language’ without making the straight dads angry?”
I’m not naive in thinking there’d be a place that said “mother and mother,” but something about seeing it in black and white together with the previous hour of listening to hospital staff in positions of power discredit me as a mother was more than I could take.
Stripping everything away from scripture to get to the “true” meaning as if we, today, can finally “recover” what scripture really means robs it of the life and breath behind the words.
This might sound heretical, but what I’ve learned since those days in college is that it doesn’t mean you have to be a Christian to offer these things of God to the world.
Fear of the Unknown – Patheos
“Many of us feel petrified when someone tries to engage us about the topic of homosexuality and the Church, or about what ‘the gay lifestyle’ really means. There’s an awkward and intense fear of the unknown of what the scary ride of this conversation will be like.”
When deciding which side of the debate you fall on, or which side you want to live out in your own life it is important to remember that this is a deeply personal decision. It’s a decision that’s ultimately between you and God.
This is not a cautionary tale – watch out, or you’ll get addicted to pornography – or a sermon on why pornography is a sin. This is an exploration on why so many gay Christians turn to these things and the importance of understanding it.
One thing that occurs over and over in therapy and in our daily lives is the fear of being human and having human needs, desires and wants. There’s so much shame experienced by simply being human. It’s as if there’s some unspoken message, especially in the Christian tradition, that to have needs is to not trust God.
Christmas in the Closet – Believe Out Loud
“As a therapist, I hear stories like mine over and over again. But I also hear different kinds of stories where there is less lying and more blatant disapproval of one’s gayness from family members, if not a complete ignorance that you’ve told your family that you are gay and have a significant other.”
Is Attending Church Worth the Effort?– Believe Out Loud
“If asked whether it would be possible for me to feel at home in a non-affirming church, my first response is typically, “Of course.” But to be honest, I answer this way because I want straight Christians to know there’s nothing that could get in the way of my relationship with God.”
Honoring the Wisdom of Our Bodies – Believe Out Loud
“Many people ask me: when did you know? When did you know you were attracted to other women? This so-called betrayal against both myself and God, of being attracted to other women, came on suddenly and seemingly with no warning.”
The Hidden Shame of Secrecy – Believe Out Loud
“What a gift to have a friend who truly wanted to know me, yet also allow space for my hurt. My friend did not blame me, but provided words and affirmed my experience. She worked to understand what it was like for me.”
Running with Pride – Standing on the Side of Love
I looked over to my left and I saw huge, and I mean, huge signs that read, “God Hates Fags,” or “You’re Going to Hell,” etc. We’ve all seen them before, and honestly the big signs don’t really bother me all that much. But, over a loud speaker a man yelled out, “Why can’t you be normal?!”
How to Win Your Gay Kids for Christ – RMN Blog
“Wow, my dad not only isn’t kicking me out of the car, but he’s calling me to a deeper love for God, myself and others. In that moment I believed more deeply in the love God had for me than ever before. I want to thank my dad because when I doubt my worth, or Gods love for me, I think of that conversation.”
Finding Myself through Therapy– Believe Out Loud
“I thought the only reason I would ever need a therapist was if something really dramatic and horrible happened, like maybe if my parents died, or if I was assaulted. Yes, therapy is for those times in our lives when things get to be too much to deal with on our own, but I was so wrong about the kind of people who need it.”
You Are Not Alone – Believe Out Loud
“I’m practically a gay spokesperson, but under pressure – even in an unthreatening atmosphere – I stayed closeted. While this completely threw me, I feel glad that it happened and it was a good reminder of one thing. The coming out process never ends for a gay person and always takes courage.
The Ultimate Silencer – RMN Blog
“What do they imagine I’ll say when they use the Bible as a sword to prove me wrong? I’m quite sure they don’t expect to hear, ‘You’re right. I am sinning and I’ll most likely go to hell. Thank you for pointing that out. Want to grab a beer?’ If I don’t believe that the intention is to silence me, then what could the intention be? And if the intention is indeed to silence me, how do I respond with grace and love instead of engaging in a Bible war?
Coming Out as Straight– RMN Blog
“I know she loves and accepts me just as I am, but she still needs time to completely become the proud mom of a lesbian. I’m also well aware that if it took me over 15 years to come out and it was inside of me, that it might take at least half that amount of time for someone who doesn’t feel it inside.”